Commentary

Every Dawg has his day in the Bottom 10

Originally Published: November 14, 2017
By Ryan McGee | ESPN.com

The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:

Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I close my eyes
It's you I see
You're everything I know
That makes me believe
I'm not alone
I'm not alone

Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I catch my breath
It's you that I breathe
You're everything I know
That makes me believe
I'm not alone

And you're everyone I see
So tell me, do you see me?

"Everywhere" -- Michelle Branch

Here at Bottom 10 headquarters, located beneath the water tower where Tom Rinaldi stores America's tears, we constantly find ourselves wishing for superpowers that we know we will never have. Specifically, we wish we could fly or teleport or, at the very least, be like Thor's buddy Heimdall, the all-seeing, all-hearing sentry guardian of Asgard. He stands watch on the rainbow bridge and spies on planets throughout the universe to protect his homeland.

What a waste. Dude could be using his abilities to do more important things, like keeping one eye on Tulsa at East Carolina while keeping the other pointed toward San Jose State at Nevada.

Thankfully, through the all-knowing, all-hearing powers of Twitter, our very own team of superheroes, the #Bottom10BureauReporter squad, we spend every Saturday feeling like Idris Elba on the Bifrost.

So be forewarned present and future Bottom 10 teams. We will always be watching, no matter what it takes and no matter where you hide. Because deep down, we mean well. Deep down, we need you and, yes, we love you.

With apologies to my old college girlfriend and Steve Harvey, here's this week's Bottom 10.

1. UTEPid (0-10)

 Mike Price's Fightin' Miners fell to the North Texas Mean Green 45-10. On the bright side, the offense scored for the first time in 16 quarters and scored its first second-half points since Sept. 15. How do we know this? Because we follow Bret Bloomquist, UTEP beat writer for the El Paso Times, whose game-day Twitter timeline feels like the written equivalent of a hostage blinking his eyelids in Morse code begging us to save him.

2. San No-se State (1-10)

 Much like many of the weekend's matchups among the top 10, the Bottom 10's biggest showdown was over nearly before the fans had taken their seats. The No-No Bowl between San No-se State and No-vada was a Wolf Pack rout from the onset. We know this because of the work of trusty Bottom 10 bureau reporter @Infinite_Ouya. But it is also through him that we know that first sentence we wrote was completely inaccurate. The fans never actually took their seats.

3. Georgia Southern Not State (0-9)

 The Eagles Not Panthers lost to Appalachian State in a Sun Belt Not Southern Conference showdown. Now they host South Not North Alabama, before traveling to ULL Not ULM and then ending the season in what might very well be the Bottom 10 Megabowl when they visit ...

4. Myrtle Beach U. Chanticleers (1-9)

 Coastal Carolina's should've-winning trip to Arkansas was sandwiched between blowout losses to Texas State and Troy. People have questioned how quickly the school has pushed to be in the FBS. Perhaps they were better off jumping directly into the SEC? Before the season-ending Megabowl with Georgia Southern they will make the always emotional trip to face traditional rival and fierce regional foe Idaho.

5. UG(ly)A (9-1)

 Somewhere between Athens and Atlanta, the Dawgs' championship ride ended up in a ditch called the Coveted Fifth Spot. If they're still going to make the College Football Playoff, they'll need someone to come along and tow them out. Hey, I hear Mark Richt has a chain.

6. Kansas Nayhawks (1-9)

 Much like our friends on the CFP selection committee, we resist the temptation of looking at the schedule and trying to anticipate outcomes as we think about our rankings. Then we look at Kansas's next two games -- Oklahoma and Oklahoma State -- and, well, OK, we're good with that whole anticipation thing.

7. Minute Rice (1-9)

 I like to envision these two neighbors in some small town in central Texas. Their subdivision is packed with the usual population of Texas and Texas A&M fans. But this one guy is a Rice grad and the other guy is a UTEP alum, and the one from Rice has spent all autumn since Week 2 talking smack, posting "31-14!" signs in the other guy's yard, and randomly sticking his head out the window in the middle of the night hollering out noises like a hoot owl.

8. Charlotte 1-and-9ers (1-9)

 We've finally reached that magical time of year when Charlotte fans can spend the next week covering the left side of the "4" on their 49ers apparel to make it look like a "1" to display their current record.

9. Ore-gone State (1-9)

 After weighing down the basement of the Pac-12, it has been awfully polite of Oregon State to spend November handing out bowl eligibility certificates. No, silly, not their own -- those of their opponents. Last weekend, Arizona earned its sixth FBS win of the season with a win over the Beavers. This weekend Arizona State will seek to do the same, and in the Civil War, Oregon, currently 5-5, might be in the same situation. You get a bowl bid! You get a bowl bid! Everybody ... gets ... a ... bowl ... bid!

10. Big Ball-er State (2-8)

 There was some debate about which of the three 2-8 MAC teams to rank in this spot. Then we realized that the Cards have lost seven straight games by a combined score of 352-84. Then there was no more debate. Because we were under the conference room table shaking like a kid from "It."

Waiting list: Baylor (1-9), No-vada (2-8), UNC Tear Heels (2-8), EC-Yew (2-8), Living on Tulsa Time (2-8), Illi-noise (2-8), UMess (2-7), State of Kent (2-8), Boiling Green (2-8), SEC East job listings (2-0)

Ryan McGee | email

ESPN Senior Writer

SPONSORED HEADLINES

Comments

Use a Facebook account to add a comment, subject to Facebook's Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Your Facebook name, photo & other personal information you make public on Facebook will appear with your comment, and may be used on ESPN's media platforms. Learn more.


MORE COLLEGE FOOTBALL HEADLINES